HOLY FUCK I LOVE CIGARETTES

ive been smoking since i was around 12 or 13, i used my fathers shit plastic cigarette maker at the beginning. i wasnt even confident if i was doing it right and i sure as hell didnt inhale correctly either. i smoked my first actual cigarette at around 14, in vienna. it was a camel gold i found from a mostly full pack on the ground. the memory is still vivid, i smoked the entire thing to the filter on the balcony at my aunts house and afterwards i decided to take a shower. the nicotine poisoning was mind numbing. i was in fetal position letting the water hit my side for around 30 minutes. it always goes like "i wont smoke another one" until you do. i soon found myself enjoying the buzz with the dreadful i-want-to-die aspect wearing off. the warm cherry of the cigarette being the only source of heat on a rainy day while on ecstasy, with friends i just met, sitting under the opera house. i was hooked on that feeling. it was so so so very beautiful (duh yeah well partially because of the x but you get what i mean.) i never considered myself to be truly addicted when i would smoke the rollies, it was more of a feel-good reminder of my absent father who smoked. the smell, the action, oral fixation, the ritual (packing, lucky cigarette, lighter theft), the "holy shit i probably look so cool factor." because of this, ive gone thru many different types and brands of cigarettes. i personally find myself to enjoy the stronger ones at the moment, 1.0mg all, with the lighter ones and menthols (specifically camel crushes) to make me nauseous. i personally find my favorites to be cowboy killers. the chemical taste is unlike anything else i swear I SWEAR. ive been considering cutting down on smoking though, speaking to my father as of late has made me get a whiff of his god awful dead carcass smell from his throat. they serve as a memento mori in a sense, its like internal self harm. but if im going to have crazy slobbery and sensual make out sessions with my gf its for the better to cut down, right?