feb

1434, happy extra day of the year. ive been caught up with stuff in general that i have to finish just because im alive. and the award to worst boyfriend ever goes to... me!!! it feels like i just keep digging a pit for myself and whoever else by just association. i work to enable people becoming better but at a point it just crumbles. i swear its like that. around now is the time i usually just get off the chair and take my meager winnings if at all back home. whats the point of anything ive doen so far if issues oscillate here and there? its not anyone, its really just me. it feels like theres a bucket full of piss and shit with crushed up bugs in my possession that i cant get rid of. its so much. ive thought about calling it quits. i cant do this anymore, ill go back to being a fairy that comes and goes in peoples lives to then be forgotten about eventually. i cant even get anything back from anyone, its been gut wrenching after any interaction i have. i come back home meeting the people my gf doesnt like and i personally dont even like to just feel shit about the time i couldve spent with her instead. even if its like that, the gauge between loss and gain is just so egregiously low in the gain aspect (regarding real life social interaction) that its as if its reached a critical point. i cant do anything. i havent done anything. thinking about how its march already tomorrow is freaking me out. i dont even have anything to give to my gf. i cant send her anything, i cant do anything, itll just be the same as always basically. can you tell? my heads still pounding as i write this, i woke up with a headache too. to think that my gf waited for me to get up just to see that i have a migraine from stress probably to then have me lay in bed and rot without talking to her exponentially makes my day worse. im happy shes seeing results with her own stuff though, at least she can see the results of her work. at the moment i dont want anything to do with her i dont want to be the reason for her to do anything. its just added pressure to me, i already think that she sees me in a higher than thou light but to let her down after she spends the fruits of her labor on me would be terrible. long distance issues, maybe, probably cope though. my nose started bleeding, i might just go back to bed and whine and wail some more. fitting i guess. i might just leave everything as it is right now until i come back to my usual self. people want to talk to me i want to talk to them but they dont want to and i dont want to either and whats the point. i cant even devote my full time and attention for one person so its selfish to even want to do anything for myself. i dont even know what i want to do for others, its just so confusing. i havent gotten any results and when i think i have its a false positive or there are just more things that are dumped onto me. i cant. im sorry. i havent done anything and it shows. ive just been wasting peoples time. ill be to myself for a bit until things settle. sorry.

0528, another good morning another good day!!! since the last time ive given an update, i got vetted for a job that unfortunately i cant do. itd take too long to get paid and id need to stay here until september. no can do! with that, things have been the same. i applied for a passport which is the reaason why i couldnt update this blog concurrently along with talking some things thru w my gf. actually, the whole reason why im posting this right now is for her to see it haha. she was really tired yesterday so i took whatever she was telling me with a grain of salt, since a bunch of new revelations came up. though, ultimately, i did slip the fact that there was something id tell her in the future but today was kind of an example as to why i wont say until later later on. idk, i woke up today and i did the usual messaging her first things first. read her blog, looked thru socials to see if she sent me anything, all that stuff. well, she did update her blog, and i took that with what she told me yesterday as her wanting to do stuff, taking initiative on her own things. funnily enough, the first topic of conversation was the fact that she wanted to play elden ring. i sent her the torrent and all that stuff before so i gave her a very basic walk thru of how to do things. im being petty by saying this, i am petty right now but im not sure, something irked me about the fact that there wasnt any room for me to ask things like "hi whatd you do while i was asleep? how was your own sleep? tell me more about what happened yesterday" or just any updates from her directly while i was gone. neither did she ask me that, so whats there to talk about? she sounds busy in my mind, hell she even went to get groceries without telling me or something. no responses back from her after i responded back to when she asked ab what i was doing a few minutes after waking up. the gall to say that im being quiet!!!! urgh, whatever. in essence i think i dont like when she might say things here and there about me her us to do the exact stuff she said shed work on. like repeated hypocrisy, but maybe im the one whos looking too far ahead into things or creating issues for no reason. dunno, set the day off wrong ig. im fine now, but really it just narrows it down to me having to understand that its like this. i still love her of course, itd be dumb to completely end things off just because of this, but along with what i couldnt tell her its just tough love from my end. again, everything im doing right now is for her, really.

1428, writing this as a citizen of a new country. dawg if i get drafted im killing myself!!!

1414, watching vct while gf sleeps, i ate so much food for brunch (things that were in the fridge not pizza unfortunately) where i just couldnt sleep. either way vct emea was on so i just started watching it since there wasnt much else to do. they brought back the goat casters!!! lots of upsets!!! had a feeling heretics would win. anyways watching the gia kc game rn but holy fuck steel needs to shut the fuck up. dogshit ass caster. if it was just pansy shed prolly be able to carry the entire booth on her own i swear. anyways fixing my sleep schedule as well too ig.

0736, laying down as i write this. break over, figured some stuff out. i think i become very apathetic when its cold. i forgot to turn my room heating on and i checked it to see that it was 52f in my room. plus its dark, so not much lighting besides the blue light that emanates from my computer screen. i might sleep now, its a big day tomorrow. ceremony time i suppose.

0608, ive done some thinking, not really in regards to what i stated below but in general. im a little convinced that my dad is setting distance between us as hes ultimately just preparing for my eventual departure. understandable. but i might be over my head. i want to communicate to everyone. i want people to communicate with me. i hate being confused and lost. anyways, also not to get over my head, but i have a suspicion that im at the part of the chapter where it transitions to the next. maybe not. unsure. but just a feeling really. there are a few questions in the air right now which i believe need to be cleared up. maybe im self assured and confident because my intention is pure. haha. i feel good, like the warm feeling that you get in your stomach sometimes, not really too physically though. jesus fuck my body is sore. i sleep lots after working out because being sore sucks!!!! well really, its all to look all nice and pretty for my gf. what more is there for me to do besides that and what i usually do? though it does feel a little lacking on my part. its fun. i cant wait to pour my lifes work into her. give her my all type thing. contrary to what she might think, i dont see myself ever hating her for what she says or does to me. she might think that me having a "break" from her or just not interacting for a hot minute would be beneficial. i can say that i just overthink what people say sometimes!!!! partially a joke partially a wet floor sign. theres a whole lot of things in this instance that i think i probably pushed a bit too far. sorry about that. being clear is important though. communication.... i need callouts or i cant clutch the game!!!! whatever. its vct season and ive been watching a few games here and there because of roster changes. the casters are kind of shit though, bring back pansy please. anyways, food for thought. speaking of food, ill go eat something i suppose.

0400, i push my fingers into my eyes... hi and good morning. i slept all day yesterday, im taking a indefinite little break? with my gf but i cant tell if she said we should take a break as a test of sorts to see "how long id last without her" or for legitimate taking a little break reasons. either way, im probably going to message her at the 24 hour mark. i wasnt in the mood to speak of things then but it should be better now. idk. anyways, i met her dad and little brother i guess 2 days ago. it went well, well enough for me to get invited to another lunch or tea. i hope shes not too hard on herself for how i reacted to some of the things she was saying, its like im a sleeper agent to some sayings haha. i think the next time i meet him itd be to discuss a details of me seeing her again, but im not too sure. im also not playing all my cards in that possibility. either way, i have my ceremony in 2 days, then i'll be able to apply for another passport. i think figuring all of that out first is the given. id also want to discuss some things regarding this with gf, but again, break or something haha. i can and cant say i miss her, it hasnt even been a full 24 hours, plus i was sleeping most of the day, though i checked my phone constantly for some sort of activity from her. haha. i wonder how shes doing. anyways, things are looking good. i love her still. blah blah breaking up or something not happening. i just cant stand when she weaponizes herself thinking itll phase me like i havent used the same tactic before. its a little cute, but of course i heed the warning. i would also have to discuss some things with my own dad if plans come to fruition. i think its getting a little desperate haha, i actually applied to even more jobs on a whim. i dont know. ill sell stuff to be with her. shes probably doing what i was doing, i hope, checking blogs this that whatever. fine. ill make the first move. off i go to smoke a cigarette now. fuck life360 it doesnt even work sometimes. whatever.

0458, good morning. today is the day of reckoning,,,,,, my fate will be decided today.... jk. i got a haircut yesterday and im not sure if i like it or if it makes me seem like a jackass. im sure its fine, i just havent had it cut like a mullet in a few years. besides that, i got my passport photo taken, it does not look flattering at all. it might be the worst photo ever taken of me legitimately. today i meet gfs dad, around lunchtime, im unsure as to why i woke up so early but i guess im just sooooooo excited about it. i thought i wouldve just slept before dinner yesterday but i went out and fortunately in better terms smoked the last bit of weed ill ever consume in my life. didnt really help me that i was sleep deprived, and i started getting very paranoid and doubty. i didnt even really wanna be all fucking stupid around my gf anyways, it kind of felt like talking to a parent when ur high haha. but never again. it just helped me sleep i suppose. i kept looking at myself in the mirror here and there imagining the picture of US together. dude i fr started hating on myself. fuck weed fuck that shit!!! anyways, shes out right now eating dinner so i hope shes doing ok. her dad and or brother are supposed to contact me this morning just to "touch base" haha. the more i think about what to talk to him about the more unsure i get about my own capabilities. well i guess its just anxiety disposed on myself by myself but it maybe more so of the weight that this lunch might hold. im taking this shit super serious!!!!!! please give me ur blessing!!! or something. idk. as im typing this im kinda staring down the pack of classic cowboy killers right now, im being distracted. anyways, i did essentially facetime her 2 days ago. super crazy stuff. but it also reminded me that she really is so pretty. like, she wasnt even looking at me directly into the camera lens but i still had to avert my gaze on some "woah cute girl looking at me" type shit. maybe im still a little tired, maybe im just nervous, wholeheartedly shouldnt feel like this when im seeing her freaking dad today but i am a little afraid of her having an image of me that is far from the truth. whatever. fuck it. im the goat anyways. praying that things go awesome today, "touch base" on a whole bunch of stuff. ill work out before i meet him too, ill do the most ill grill the shit out of the meat yada yada include her brother in the conversation blah blah IM LIKE LEBRON WITH THE HEAT RIGHT NOW!!!!

2202, no call no update today. thats okay, im sure hes busy. happy valentines day!! i turned my camera on for my gf yesterday (because it was valentines day for her 14 hours ahead of time) and facetimed one sided basically. thats fine. i slept all day again today which is also for my benefit since her dad never called or texted. ahaha. she got me donuts today and im boutta eat them for her on camera and just stare into her soul thru the camera fr. so lovely, no dogshit dunkin donuts!!!!! krispy kreme!!!!! anywho, since ive been a bit more comfortable showing my face on cam ill probably livestream myself working out later as well.

0243, woke up today after sleeping like most of the day. i tried waking up my gf in the middle of it all and she made very very very cute noises half asleep. shes so cute oh my goodness gracious!!!! tomorrows valentines day..... the day her dads supposed to message me as well again. ive been thinking all about what we would talk about, im really ab to glaze him up no lie!!!

1116, gf woke up. talked here and there and let her tell me the things that've bothered her. its okay, i like when she tells me whats bothering her, no point or issue in bottling it up. sometimes when i feed into whatever she feels like at the moment, say keeping herself busy, she says things she doesn't really mean but i follow thru with her wishes, kind of like making her eat her own words lol. how can i not? im just listening and following thru with her wishes. she doesnt have the apologize for that, theres no reason to, she can feel or say whatever she'd like and itd be okay to me. im listening, always listening.

0748, gf still asleep. ive been watching music videos and thinking about stuff. long day ahead of me today, i think. not too sure why though. ive had this in mind but i feel like im so against work because my mom died from overworking. as of late though, it feels like an excuse to be lazy. of course its not really like that but i cant imagine myself doing something i dont like for the rest of my life. urgh. makes me sick to my stomach. ive also been slowly going against my dad being with me. its like hes not giving me what im owed. sure its not mine in a sense and i didnt work for it but legally its mine. my mom died to give me this and i cant even touch it unless im happy after a year with my gf. of course itll happen but itd just make things so much easier. fuck.

0512, woke up today from a call from my aunt, she wants me to let her know some timing for me to pick up a couple of unframed art pieces this month from eldreds and to find a way to get them to her somehow. gfs asleep, i think she fell asleep an hour before i woke up. i slept in kind of a shit mood all of a sudden, probably from something i made up in my head haha. i dont know why i do that to be honest, its like self manipulation. the dream i had was pretty weird as well, we were at a seaside town that kind of looked like edgewater in jersey but with a lot more cliffs and buildings on top of them. she wanted the fucking pink stanley cup, and conveniently there was a starbucks on top of a cliff which we thought would have one. we got into a white bz4x and somehow managed to get it stuck in a pothole? either way we went inside to the obvious dismay of the cups not being there. i do remember us leaving the starbucks and looking out off the cliff. shouldnt have woke up haha. im getting a little bored of everyday stuff, its around the time that somethings supposed to change in my life again. well i guess exciting things did happen this year, but whatever, its been kind of lame. what the hell have i done for 2 months, why is it already close to valentines day, why is it already almost her bday, why is the general deadline for me to see her coming up already. its like i need more time but want things to change fast. i dont know. it really hit when i met my old roommate and walked around my neighborhood with him. holy fuck i hate it here get me out. oh right, happy lunar new year or something. speaking of meeting my old roommate, we talked about doing stuff or getting hobbies. he split with his gf a few days ago which is a little strange since i never wouldve expected them to part ways. i didnt bother to ask why but i think it had to do something with his quirked up white boy tendencies, which i completely get, he doesnt really do much or talk about different interests he has. its always about the state of underground hip hop or fight videos. i told him that for me, my substance/crazy uncomfortable/whatever journey was near its end, which he replied that his was yet to begin. cool, i guess. besides that we talked about making something out of our lives. thinking of this, my gf is at least doing something day to day by drawing and she has a reason to consume media. im not too sure about myself. ive been doing nothing the past few days just moaning and groaning about how my body hurts from working out or whatever. im not cut out for this stuff, i think. i dont have anything to show for what i know or have experienced, bleh, it sucks. i need more positively delusional people around me, its miserable the people i talk to past my real inner circle. its the superbowl today, go 49ers because gfs dad wants them to win lol. last night gf and i talked about underwear, panties and whatnot. how is she going to ask me (who has no experience picking out female underwear) to find her something that id like to see on her and then say that shes picky after i asked her for examples of what she likes... im fine with whatever really, its not that i wanna see her in boo boo granny ugly ass nude shit but id be fine if she did since shes just sooooo pretty anyways. idk, she can wear whatever she likes since she has an eye for what she wears herself. anyways, look at this emote panel she made, shes so cute. (dont ask why im in a maid costume, thats my default uniform according to her LOL)

2123, nitro over. gfs dad canceled the saturday date, moved it to the following week. im not too concerned about it though, hes a busy man. im a little physically fatigued, i think im just very decaffeinated, i might drink a coffee in a little bit. its a little drab today, unsure why. i might go smoke a cigarette and whatever. cereal... idk. i feel like woodworking.

0243, i think ill call it quits for tonight, im not entirely tired but i think its best if i realign my sleep schedule with my gfs... i love her sm.

0002, schnell schnell schnell, my mind is racing right now. i feel great, i napped all day today and when i woke up i worked out. before that, drinking a little energy drink and whatever made me a bit nauseous, like i could puke at any second lmfaoooo... its alright though, my stomach settled and i took time to individualize each muscle group yada yada. reminds me of kafka in that one murakami book, fuck him. lame ass dude on some oedipal shit. the fuck. anyways whatever, my gf made a blog post earlier about wanting to go to aquariums and museums. i do as well, i think when i was younger i would take those things for granted. like in the moment, what mattered was not the fact that i was at the naturhistoriche museum in vienna but the fact that afterwards i would go to the park and smoke a joint with friends, maybe play a little basketball. its a lot different now, im quitting a lot of things ive done in my youth, well im still young but ive decided on settling down, ive done the things that ive wanted to try in a sense. i dont want the love of my life to rot with the guys i know in places, id much rather have us meet the people i know are chill and do things like spend the day at the aquarium or whatever. what im saying is that i would much rather prefer the image of her being happy at a location thats conventional than a little paranoid on a park bench in the votiv park at midnight. blah blah, i just want to make her happy because duh, it makes me happy. i want to give fate 0 chances to make things go awry, its just how things should be. its also thursday now, 2 days until dawn where i meet her dad. i want to be honest, ive been looking forward to meeting him ever since she brought up the chance of us introducing ourselves. she'd say that she'd want to be there but i dont really mind. ive always been more comfortable talking to older people, its just what im used to. its not even the lack of things i'd say, its the opposite. er, as of right now its like im compiling a list of things to talk to him about. i of course want to seem good to him but i want to be as transparent as possible. im confident in that, myself and my experiences. essentially, im looking forward to it. being said, i do miss her dearly. in person i mean, i would totally put my grubby little hands on her and just shake her around, just because shes there!!!!! like, hoo rah, you exist!!! type thing. im so fortunate. right, its also the season of heartbreak for some of the people i know. im unsure as to why, but looking back to the past few days or whatever it may have been the roughest period for us as well. the irony is that valentines day is right around the corner. haha, oh well. i dont mind when she's not in the best mood, its something i expected, not everything can be roses and sunshine. i do feel really sorry for speaking to her in a very blunt and one sidedly analytical tone the other day, really truly sorry about that. but its passed, things happen, and all i can do is beg for forgiveness. i gave her a hint that id like an iced chai latte earlier today and she did get me it. it was like we made out for 5 minutes, the time it took me to finish the drink. how romantic, im very grateful. she also ordered a lemon poundcake which i assumed that she wouldnt like the fact that it came prepackaged. its alright though, it was good as well. anything she gets me or gives me or tells me is good. the more she tells me things or talks to me is good. i love her to pieces, id give up an arm and a leg for her. haha, if i kept up with playing musical instruments id totally sing her something or play her something. theres an old acoustic guitar in my closet that i got for myself when i was younger because i wanted to be able to play along to nirvana songs, but i havent played it since. its fine though, i can play most string instruments. speaking of things i stopped doing, i got on my skateboard and tried a tre flip. im not sure if its muscle memory or if i was just so locked in but i landed it. i dont want to ride it though, the deck itself has some things that hold very dear memories. id like to hang it on a wall in the future, or just have it around. she changed my life, ive definitely been more disciplined as of late. well, not in terms of sleep or whatever but just general life things. mmmmmm, 30 minutes have gone by to write all this out and it feels like theres so much more i could talk about. its not even that much actually, blehhh. ill leave it here for today, for this post.

1604, i dont think i could sleep even if i wanted to, im in that middleground of being dazed and confused but also energized. blehhh

1559, i think id blow myself up if my music player autoplayed spotemgottem right now. like spontaneously combust. i feel bad, theres nothing much i or anyone could deal with my mood right now. boo hoo im sorry boo hoo im such a ball buster. im just here, interact with me if youd like i guess.

1545, still up. i think im just in a daze as of right now. i cant really think of much or even formulate anything to tell ev. oh well. i had a bad creeping feeling while i was laying down and i still feel like theres something watching me from behind, like a presence. i looked at myself in the mirror just now and i look a little ghoulish. ill be gone in a while anyways, i couldnt even find promotional images of myself at my old school to show to her, see if i had any images of myself in the cold. my hands dont get very red in the cold. anyways, they probably got rid of them because they knew that i was expelled for wanting to die. funny. like my favorite funny radiohead song. haha.

0815, i hate that i think more when im tired. i think i live freely when i just sleep and get brainless for most of the day. its tiring to think and think and think and think and think. i get... very paranoid, almost in a schizophrenic sense. i even stopped taking antipsychotic medication because i was unhappy with how restricting it was to my thought processes in how the biomechanics of my brain just stopped functioning like old oil slowing down cogs. but i also get unwell. i become less confident in how i view things. its like perpetual ego death while time goes by. my gf asked me if it was okay if she was a little zany at times which i seriously dont mind but, i happened to bring up a small little detail about how ive seen or experienced worse, in a legitimate unaware for the persons affected type of way. its not normal to go into a psych ward, its not normal to get a trash can hurled at you, its not normal to stay outside for 3 days for no real purpose, i need to stay conscious of my own reality. whatever that means. if i was any weaker mentally id probably go into a monastery following rosicrucianism. i cant help but feel like i need to let go of more. i wont check discord i wont check instagram i wont see anything i will delete games from my computer no more things. the instances that im thought of in a "name being brought under a bad light so it sends me shivers" happens to tear me down. theres nothing i can do about it. but its okay. i have faith ...

0724, decided to pull down my blinds bc the sun was rising. my head starts hurting when im sleep deprived and i get an unholy beam of sunlight blasted towards my eyes. why the fuck are my blinds corded... made me feel like a fucking idiot trying to pull them down. its okay now, im in my little comfortable room in the dark so i can be all moody listening to art rock or something like that. i think i feel like a jackass rn, maybe im manic or depressed or manically depressed and its showing now but urgh, cant help it ig. ive made up my mind to stay up. i might take a caffeine pill so i can be flourishing, drinking water until i get nauseous. unsure. i think i struggle to speak more than i do text. sometimes i just have a hard time yapping when it comes to speach... im tired. i cant carry conversations as well as i could before when i was going around asking people to hang out or whatever. i dont careeeeeee........!! the garbage truck is outside right now. it used to come on tuesdays but now its been coming on mondays. its loud. i feel sensitive. i think it should be fine though, im still the same as i always am. i think if i had a revolver with 2 rounds id chew on the rounds while dry firing the revolver, pointed towards my head or inside my mouth. guns are heavy. a lot of people dont know that in my opinion, ive held and fired lots of firearms. i could give a list but really the heavier the better, at least for me. ive never experienced garand thumb, i just push the clip in and the chambers never failed on me. its not that ive even really messed around with an m1 either. im also really big on trigger discipline, even with airsoft guns. this might be a controversial or unexperienced opinion but i feel like a lot of misfire accidents are not only even caused by leaving your finger on the trigger but also the outright incorrect placement of the distal phalanx or the pad of your finger. its just aim i think. it makes me cringe when people wrap their whole finger around a gun. id be a good soldier. kiss my locket before running into no mans land like a dumbass if i were in the 40s. maybe itd even stop a bullet. im joking, id be obliterated by a mg42 even before i had the chance to leave the trench. in modern times id probably be fine with kicking down the door of some iraqi family and bitching the man of the household. hoo rah freedom!!! enemies of the state. this also reminds me of when people were talking about how attack on titan was fascist or right wing propoganda. well no shit. the fuck type of realization is that? im not sure what im talking about. ill leave this post to rest.

0653, good morning. i could barely sleep last night, i was just on the cusp of hypnagogia and it just felt like i closed my eyes and opened them only for time to have gone by. besides that, its snowing where my gf is rn. i told her to wear something pretty to play in the snow or whatever since she hasnt seen snow pile like this, we're both from the south. i went to catholic school that had winter days that averaged around -37f/c and personally, im not the biggest fan anymore. it just feels like a burden to have to deal with snow that goes up to your chest in a way haha. my pretty gfs first snow in a while or something, what a nice image. its pretty chilly where im at too but its just been pounding winds and rain for me. thats okay, snow or rain im not too bothered by the cold. people have said i look like i could come from eastern siberia, i think so too. i rarely ever get a runny nose from the cold, my sniffers pretty big in a way so maybe the air warms up while it goes thru my nasal passage. im not sure. id totally hack up a frozen fish right now and eat the frozen slivers with a malamute or some other dog, i like those videos. ill probably stay up for a bit longer though, i did promise her id stay up which may be to her dismay. i get silly when i stay up too long, its like the verbose side of me mixes with some childish nature i harbor in a deformed hyper-idiosyncratic way. i dont even know what im talking about now!!!! but sleep is good, good for my brain probably. i think i think too much. i cant waste my life being brainless all the time.

1309, happy sunday!!!! i have drank a cup of coffee brushed my teeth so fresh so clean and i talked a little with my gf about things. she was being cryptic or whatever, probably not in the mood to talk so we just texted here and there. its okay, she was trying to apologize for being rude or whatever but i dont care!!!! I AM GRIMEY FOR A REASON, THE FILTH IS A PRODUCT OF MY EXPERIENCES!!! anyways, we got to talking about death stranding 2, she sent the trailer, a bit ago. she wasn't too happy about joker higgs haha, im a fan though. i thought she'd like his new design bc face paint = the garden = band she likes or whatever but then again shes not too into i guess creepy stuff (analog horror eyes). which is also funny because she prefers the old higgs where he had the equation on his forehead. either way, im a fan of his old and new design. the old one reminds me of al-dajjal (of course there are numerous depictions of him, but this one comes to mind first), like the false messiah in islamic eschatology. i think id just get a weird forehead tattoo if my life was too fucked up, like full on crackhead stuff with some esoteric bullshit on my forehead. i think its kinda neat, but i wouldnt do it atm. islam aside, ive been reinspecting my relationship with christianity. not necessarily because i watched yet another video about biblical scholarship or whatever but because i think, innately like smoking, the idea of the ritual is what i favor more than say the bible itself. i dont really care for the bible except for parables here and there but its entirely just an old fart book. psalm 137 comes to mind yet again, but to take the scripture as the truth like as fundamentalists do is kind of insane. hahahaha. i like jesus, i like his story that was developed over time, to be LIKE jesus, but id probably punch the guy in the mouth if i were with him during his time. good people dont get crucified... you know?

1133, woke up again after taking a nap on call with gf. she was stressed as she told me before i even napped so i thought that id leave her be for a bit after i ate something for breakfast and whatnot. idk where im going with this, shes in a bad mood right now and i cant really figure out what it is as per usual. it totally has to do something with me sleeping for 2 hours though haha. i wonder what shes been up to with her super secret drawing though, none of this wouldve happened if not for this drawing.

0701, called gfs dad yesterday, things went well. he sounded more nervous than i was, but we set a date for next week saturday. i woke up today with a bit of dry skin and all that, i kind of sat in the shower for a bit, nothing much. i feel sticky.

1202, woke up today in a good mood. doing my laundry and whatever blah blah right now, ive been kind of brainlessly wearing whatever and it just piled up in a little corner in my bathroom hamper. i talked to the guy again thru phone and i think hes trying to keep doing stuff w me, but its weird since he said he had work until 1800 today. weird. anyways ive gotten an update about gfs dad, sometime tomorrow, he'll give me a call and we'll set a time and date. i usually dont pick up calls from random numbers so i had her give me his number as well. life is good. i love my gf. i love her more every day that passes because i just get to know more about her. its strange really, because there are some things that someone would tell you and you inevitably forget, but its different with her. its like i remember every single little detail or any sort of correlation to other things she would tell me with other things. not to suck myself off but damn im kind of the goat for that. haha, jokes. shes like the person i get to come back to at the end of the day after whatever and it really calms my spirit. i think thats why i enjoy being with her so much and want to get involved in what she does who she knows because i think ultimately itll be a better route in life than what id have gone for before. shes essentially my eden, she saved my life!!! hahaha.

1440, good afternoon. its the 2nd month of the year already. general updates i suppose since ive been off my computer for a bit, im not taking the xanax. i got rid of a good chunk of the bottle due to me just becoming fatigued all of a sudden, not remembering anything, and just sleeping. ive recovered a bit from the drowsiness but its something i dont want to do again since i have to be up and talk to my lovely gf!!! lol, secondly, i did the interview and it went well. no real issues there, and i dont even feel like theres a need to celebrate it because it wont really change anything in a sense. ive been feeling a lot more busy as of late, making moves and planning things out. i still dont have a job but the guy i gave away/sold the xanax to happened to offer an extremely well paying job thats unfortunately a little out of reach. im also planning on meeting my girlfriends dad or family whatever as well. its not anything im too concerned about, its just getting food and chatting in essence. things are coming together, cool. all that matters now is for me to get my passport and raise a bit of money for myself. no issues there.