introspection

ive tried to die a few times. i could only go on with methods that require materials to go through with that plan. hanging, ingesting painkillers, stabbing, the works. but i think ive understood my purpose to be as a figure inserted into other peoples lives. i enjoy anonymity, it allows me to remove myself from their conscious after time. i do that online as well, burning bridges and distancing myself even in person once i feel as if sufficient time has passed. though its funny, as much as i talk about myself i believe its only to have others take in some form of their own introspection through my experiences. i am nothing. i exist purely for the betterment of others, however i am selfish but mainly as it is to give back by means that is unobtainable to others due to other obligations, perhaps. i am faithful when i try to surrender myself to the likes of christ, for the people. im reminded of my existance every time i wake up and look at myself, there are remnants of trying to end it all when i could not find an absurdist reasoning to continue life. duality is strange, hyprocisy as well. but what do i know?