jan

1204, found a 100 of 1mg xanax, took 8 bc thats what i usually take. i think i mightve played myself but its cool ig, havent done it in a long time and theres money to be made!!! 2024 back to trapping fr....

1214, im watching the missus draw while i play some games here and there. im winning but i deeply worry for her. i believe she has some sort of apnea where it snowballs into her being consciously aware of it at all times. there could be a multitude of reasons as to why but whatever it is, not only troubles me but of course brings her the most stress. aurgh,,,, if i could only do something about it in the flesh. regarding health, my dads health doesnt look too good either. im a little relieved as to our relationship being a bit strained though, i kinda snapped out of the daze that was him coming back into my life. holy dom toretto muh family doesnt exist for me, im fine with not being too close with blood ties. i want to be in solitude with the people i actively want to spend time with... fuck old people i hate old people hahahaha. but back to drawing, my gf is also so good at drawing furry adjacent stuff. she drew us as ponies last night and i was sincerely flabbergasted by how good it was. she did not have to go this hard!!! but i hope she pursues drawing and media as i am with perhaps curation, who knows. i know nothing but the fact that i love her. also no hidden links for a while bc im too lazy to put stuff in, feeling a little uninspired at the moment.

2333, just woke up from a little nap bc gf fell asleep again, i had a very nice dream. i dreamt about laying in a field with her and just looking at the sky and then to her here and there. i wish i couldve kept dreaming or woke up to that being reality. i miss her so much i want to be there with her anywhere right now... i might cry. urgh.

1432, im going feral... i cant give my gf backrubs or whatever right now because i am a couple thousand miles away!!! and i cant think of anything much to say!!!! this shit suckssssssss. but itll be ok. she could pick her boogers in public and eat it and i wont care, hopefully its the same for me /hj... anyways, applied for like 13 million more jobs my dad wants me to get out of my room im losing my mind aurhghghhhhhh.... what in the fuck am i supposed to do if shes freaking hallucinating my presence in her sleep?????? can i be like st francis anad bilocate please...... losing my mind losing my mind losing my mind....

(forgot the time), legitimately considering marrying s/o, makes me very happy to my core when i think ab it....

0714, power went out. i worked out. so fit so clean. oil cleansed my face. awesome. court date today. killing the cop.

0458, its the season of pitfalls i suppose. i cant agree with blatantly being ignorant for the sake of bliss, its essentially looking away at your problems expecting things to change. taking initiative, working towards something thats a personal manifest destiny, is how i wish for things to be. there is light at the end of the tunnel, maybe the path is treacherous in a way that you werent prepared for it. oh well, its a bit lame to just turn back now, we're already so deep. a lapse in judgement, its a double edged sword, i cant be there but i wish to give space, for its eternity that i hope to spend.

0712, to come to terms with mental hyperactivity, the neurons firing in my brain like pollen being released during springtime, i believe i hold myself down to digestible ignorance in a sense. i dont wish to be so conscious where my thoughts are prolific in the general idea of scouting something that i consider to be an intelligent discipline. it harbors a deep sense of regret as well, when i in hindsight trigger some sort of dunning-kreuger effect where i state that i am in a state of realization of the world around me, making it harder for the people i interact with have doubts of themselves. as time goes by and i realize how ostentatious i am in tone and discussion when talking to others who are like myself, where i trigger some sort of nihilistic dread that lingers throughout the day. i choose to ascertain knowledge as its the only thing i have to show for myself. i have no sense of discipline, which leads me down to perceive myself as a collection of knowledge and ideas, not as an individual. if i stripped this site of all its personality there simply wouldnt even be a point in its existance, its a bargain in which i take to come off as being a human in an aesthetic sense. i can recall back in my childhood when i first began to see reality as entirely solipsistic philosophically. if it were true, then the crushing qualms of being entirely alone in this vast universe would be my end. however, if it were not true as i casually would like to give credence to, then would my purpose be entirely worthwhile? even if its an objective truth that i belong on this earth, chosen willingly or not, itd be nice to only communicate good graces to others. an apology is necessary to all those i belittled unwillingly. if i choose to parttake in utilitarian trains of thought, then i dont have an answer to why i couldnt discern the multifaceted interpersonal effects my choice of words could result in. im sorry. please hook my brain to a large vial in which its put through strenuous testing for all of eternity. i am a hypocrite. i could cope by stating that the mere fact that i am self aware of this voids the acuteness in which it applies to me, but the mark of cain in a figurative sense still stains me. is ignorance truly bliss when the individual seeks knowledge in elation? i cant even get myself to unearth what the truth is when the person i love the most says that nothings wrong. its me. i know its me, but i cant get the answers as to how to leaven the burden i leave on them mentally. how nice it would be to extradite myself into a cave or cellar only coming out when needed. well, i guess its not too dissimilar to what im subjected to already.

0632, i have the fuzzy feeling in my head that i get when i take stimulants, naturally though of course. i correlate the feeling to intelligence and so, ive been browsing random current events on wikipedia for a bit. the topic of vr came up while i was talking to my gf, im not the biggest fan. im already prone to a bit of dizziness from headsets but im a little against vr chat besides just using it to be with her. i dont even own a vr headset but if i did i think id just play pavlov or whatever. i hate the idea of using vr to communicate because i just feel that the nuance you get from talking to someone in real life or through a screen cant be necessarily bridged by vr. a mutual would probably shit on me for saying this when i havent met people in vr before but i believe social interaction while looking like something youre not could cause a literal disconnect from reality. get a grip, lol. wake up!!!!

0649, finished brat 2, good movie even better soundtrack. it was a little more comical than the one before but oh well. i heard the unofficial third movie was bad though, so i wont bother. sorry ev, i didnt let you draw like you wanted haha. also with the weird scenes or whatever. oops! anyways, i dont feel like analyzing the film because the things there are to be said about it probably have been said. to quote her "films are the aggregate of human knowledge."

0528, watching brat 2. the soundtrack to this one is awesome as well. the fuck? besides that gf and i got into the conversation of names, many names... i think her slavic/russian name would start with e or y and maybe distantly m. i told her mine would be sergey or yevgeny like ev... funny how things work.

0356, my tweaker lamp died. i did enjoy it flicker before the bulb blew out, goodbye uncomfortably bright white light... anyways applied for more jobs, have a good feeling about this one. also considering lying on my resume and whatnot. pshhh whatever, i feel like i should be analyzing stuff right now, just the mood im in.

0240, it feels like every second that passes by is a second wasted not being with her in person. i feel bad, i think i have a something coded in my genetics where ive been ok with being alone. i cant do anything for her if she feels alone and it fucking sucks.

0232, id kill my gf if we were enemies in war. of course id make it painless and leave her last moment with a happy memory.

0015, slept almost all day today. got woken up by my dad to drive the car around a bit and get a haircut. i was planning on growing out a mullet, which i had before a few years back, but my barber cut the back even after i told him not to touch the front top and sides. fuckkkkkkkkkkkkk. besides that i got a bottle of caffeine pills so expect more intelligent posts i guess. i talked some things out with gf and in essence we feel the same sort of way regarding purpose, cool. im a relativist in all aspects, i have no foundation, so all i can really do is hear her out. is it better to be strong willed than meek?

0411, i looked at my citation again. why the fuck has it been raised to 520? are you fucking shitting me right now? writing an email to the court and if its not cleared or whatever I will murder the fucking cop that wrote me up.

0013, had a weird dream earlier today, bleeding from head and seeing my mom. funny enough i woke up right after seeing her, it was like i knew there was something wrong with the reality where she was alive. i swapped my sleep cycles again, for the worst(?) i guess. can these employers respond please i need 10 grand right now !!!! lol... ill do whatever to get my hands on anything for me to go see her, around late march. im missing her bday but its ok, theres going to be a whole lifetime of holidays ahead of us. currently waiting for a new passport, ill be a dual citizen for a year after that. it should be enough time to decide on what we do afterwards. im on call with her right now but i cant help but think about her even with her voice coming through the other end. shes so me coded LOL, ive told her that to my best friend whos in the army right now. its really cute when she talks about her "weird" hobbies like i didnt turn out the way i did if i didnt scrape through the same stuff she did before and with the media i enjoy now. she gets sooooooooooo jealous sometimes and fantasizes me n my bro running off together leaving her in the dust. like why would i do that when she knows me better at this point than he does. she actually makes some of the stuff i have or had in the back of my mind tangible, like cosplaying. im pretty flexible when it comes to dress and whatnot, my heads not too up in my ass about conventional masculinity. she actually drew me in a maid costume a few times, ill link it here. talking about wearing stuff, shes very very fashionable as well. i like contrasting looks, subverting expectations, and she lets me do that. we both wear black outside frequently but the things we wear are almost on the opposite ends of casuality. im not too afraid of complimenting looks, but of course i dont mean it sometimes. though, the first time we went out she wore this black jacket that i really thought looked good on her. she kept telling me that it was a cheap jacket or whatever but i dont care! im grimey, i wear whatever if it looks good, be so for real. i also remembered that my mom had this leather? rubber? some sort of thick-ish long skirt that i also thought would look good on her, though i wasnt able to find it. FUCK. i did at least give her a white jun inagawa hoodie before i left because i thought itd look better on her but alas, she likes oversized clothes (duh, what the hell man.) we actually had a mutual friend who we knew wayyyyy before that i eventually dropped bc he was annoying, and he even asked her out as a joke type thing (booo), who circumstantially also had a jun inagawa hoodie he'd wear frequently. anyways, its ok though, she can wear whatever she wants in my own wardrobe, im not as attached to my clothes now than i was before. i think its funny though, that two of the maybe least expectable-to-be-in-a-relationship individuals got together. destiny? fate? maybe something like that. i ask her about her dreams a lot, she thinks the things that she talks about are boring but theyre interesting, a subconscious look into whats going on in her mind. besides, what type of boyfriend would i be if i shot her down frequently? the fuck man. she told me about one dream she had that the s/o she was with in her dreams was an asshole, she doesnt deserve that. she deserves the world, the best of me, yada yada. being scarys the last thing i want her to think of me, but on the off chances that she tells me that (like on a extremely sleep deprived call the other day) i get a very visceral reaction of "me? huh? what? how? me, scary?" haha. its really the last thing i want to be to her. ive done nothing in my room besides drugs and valorant before i met her, sorta parallels right? i was aimless, not necessarily a drifter but just unambitious with no goals set in mind. now i have one, im working to make her life one thats as lore-y as mine but as delusional (in a good way) like hers. its all circumstantial. its really funny how even platonically when i would nod or doze off around her i was at peace the most. how could i not be? im around the prettiest girl ive seen in my life with her calming aura. soothing voice. all of that. i want to keep her happy. im happy around her. i dont want her to follow my vices because i like her as she is now. i wont complain if she does though, but ill sure as hell discourage it haha. im very fortunate to have knowledge in the things i do because if it was just as willy nilly with other people id hate to have her self destruct. she told me that she hasnt done much during her lifetime, so ill take the responsibility of showing her lots of things. not just drugs, not just short little events, but eternal memories, the joys of life, all of the lights. the risk we took to meet each other flowered into the biggest positive in our lives. i cant believe i was on my toes about going to her place because of the random address she sent. i cant believe she met up with some random acquaintance she had no ties to besides a group chat. but im so happy we did, im having that deep gutteral happiness that goes further into my stomach right now as i type this. whats she up to? whats she doing? where is she? im not there so i cant look over her, fuck. i think thats why i enjoy the times where we dont say anything sometimes, because for me it at least calms my heart knowing that shes ok. she hates that though, she wants to know everythinggggg that goes in my head. cute. hahaha holy fuck, im sure you can tell that shes all thats on my mind really by judging the back to back posts being the longest ive written on my blog. i miss her with my whole heart, love her to where id die without her, why is she not in my super big king sized bed made of memory foam that has a zero g option? well whatever, i guess u can say that im devoted to her, weird to say haha but ill swallow my pride and admit it. (if youre reading this i know youre happy i said this haha)

0742, gosh i really do love my gf. looking back on it, we were in the same drain gang groupchat and i offered her a hit of my joint while we were waiting in line. besides that interaction, we didnt really talk much besides that little moment in time. when i went over to asia for a funeral, i just so happened to ask the dead and dry gc if anyone was in the area. lo and behold, she responded. the timing was perfect too, i had dinner with my cousin before i headed towards her direction for a thanksgiving party she was part of. its a strangely fortunate that i ate a bit beforehand so i wasnt all too keen on eating anything other food besides a slice of pumpkin pie she baked herself. shes very good at baking, i think the crust on the pie she baked was one of if not the best crust ive tasted on a pie. anyways, circumstantially we ended up hanging out constantly for the rest of the trip, even extending it because of her and the people she introduced to me. we made curry together, had garbage sushi, had our strange moments of highs and lows. the night i extended my trip, i happened to call my aunt talking about how i had a gut feeling, fate-calling, whatever you call it in terms of how i knew that she would be a big part of my life. i didnt know at the time how big of a part itd be. i hugged her last before leaving to the airport, but im very happy that it was her. theres a lot of things that we couldve done during my short stay but i have no regrets, the tight hug was enough for me at least. i joke here and there about how if we held on tighter i mightve missed my flight!!!! we would message each other pretty much every day afterwards and it sprouted to a sort of mutual understanding of each other. i dont think ive met anyone as relatable as her. i am her she is me type deal. our messaging soon turned into topics a little more flirty and i planned on asking her out the day i totaled my car. be it hopelessly romantic, but she would consistently be the first person i talked to after accidents and whatnot. its a good story no? but as time went on, it was like we would talk to each other exclusively or just anticipate messages from each other. the thought of how only a few weeks passed but she knows me more than anyone else in my life. the few weeks talking constantly being worth a hundred dates in my eyes. im so very fortunate, i never expected myself to end up with anyone actually. theres so much id like to say but theres an infinite amount of time i could spend to gush about her with. shes perfect, our relationship really does feel like we make each other better people. shes what i envisioned in the case that i did meet someone, shes perfect. theres a lot of descriptive words i can use, she likes to hear them from me repeatedly, but for brevity, i cant imagine life going on without her. she got us a fucking moomin sandwich press!!!1 i love sandwiches!!!! my life going forward, everything i do now, is essentially just for her. i care for her deeply and plans moving forward just dont make sense without her in the equation. funny to see how life goes huh? ive told her this but i win. for my life right now and forever i win. ive found my meaning and purpose. i love her and i miss her so much. we seek the things we cant obtain, but there will always be something obtainable with her in my life. its okay to miss her, im patient, ill see her soon in the flesh anyways. i love her and i will love her until the end of time.

0709, finished watching brat. good movie, good soundtrack. i think its a little poetic that this was the first movie we watched together. us both being fans of the eastern european aesthetic. she was being weirdly quiet during the entire film, maybe she was just sooooo focused on it, who knows? anyways, i love her to death... really.

0548, watching brat/brother with gf rn, free on yt. good movie.

0355, my gf put a character on her shrine. its literally me but i just so happen not to be slavic or an incel. nice.

0220, added a little super secret password page on the homepage. also my code looks beautiful and organized. thank you chatgpt and bing ai.

0127, napped a bit today, on and off. woke up to lovely messages. i also got a letter from the city citing a reduction in charges. lucky me haha. fell asleep for a few minutes again in bed hearing the most soothing voice in the world. back on neocities now i guess.

1225, crazy unhinged mindfog total neuron obliteration

1100, took the mbti test again, got a different result from infp the first time so i tweaked my answers accordingly like it was some sort of "wake up u answered wrong" type deal. god i fucking hate the mbti test, you put in your answers fully knowing what type of person you are and it spits it back out at you telling you stuff you already basically know about yourself. also to say that everyone is fluid in personality, you cant just box in your personality like this with a freaking online personality test!!! im different inside alone than when im out with others, when in the morning vs the night, yada yada. fuck the mbti fuck personality tests haha yeah yes im not a party pooper its cute and all here n there but oh my fuck holy fucking shit i hate personality tests (sorry for this rant bby )

0324, made some quality of life updates and i found out why my title tags werent working. i might make a button for my gf so that she can throw it onto her site and vice versa. shes very good at drawing, though her internet is a bit dookie fart shit terrible even when i set the call server region to where she is. i cant wait to watch her draw irl and bother her. same for her ig, lol.

2340, i remembered i have a citation i need to pay haha. "following too closely," like my car didnt get totaled anyways. theyre kicking me while im down saying that i need to pay an extra (presumed to be) $280 for that charge. the officer wasnt too foreboding in a sense when he said i was a nice kid. i hope he doesnt show up to municipal court. its in 10 days. my lovely gf was the first person i called after the accident. things usually end up positive regarding things with her, with the stuff i do. shes like my good luck charm hahaha.

2309, slept all day and had bun cha gio for dinner. it was pretty good but it got a little nauseating towards the end. gf is out atm looking at apartment stuff, 11.11, it will go well for her i believe. my dad asked me to help with his advertising work and it landed me a small opportunity to do some sort of remote work for hyundai. im pretty sure im not qualified but the position is essentially just data collection so its not too hard to wrap my head around.

0845, saw gfs notepad stuff of what shes going to put in her neocities, which reminded me of my dads friend who had this weird sense of innocence to him. what i mean by that is that he had a pendrive that i used to partition some drive in linux (which i stole from his laptop bag) and it had a few folders full of documents called "my dream.txt" and the sorts. it really was a little mystical like seeing a cryptid, someone who knew my dad but wasnt a foul human being. unsure, am tired, blah blah

0449, song in gif

0424, currently on call w s/o listening to music working on our neocities... shes laying out things beforehand instead of just doing stuff (what i did.) i told her earlier that i felt like alfred borden when i was in a shit mood for some reason. alfred borden in the prestige played by christian bale, idk why i told her that but sometimes it really does feel like i feel like 2 separate people when im in different states of mind. with actors, i also like adrien brody and norman reedus. enough of that though.