mar

0145, good evening. blogging right now because my gf wants to see whats on my mind soooooo bad, damn im on call with you right now!!!! anyways, ive been busy still. decided to take a short break and get back on the long haul calls i usually do w gf. my rooms kinda fucked right now, i havent finished putting everything in boxes just so that in the event something happens. i might be like 70% done with that actually, but whatever. ive also decided on taking a delta flight instead of an air canada flight for a variety of reasons but ill probably vouch my dad a few hundred for it since its marginally more expensive. also gotta talk to my mentor about stuff just to have her in the know. besides that, ive bought a few things to bring over there for friends and whatnot. the plan is still by the end of this month, end of this month.... idk urghh.

0256, good morning blog!!! its been a busy week, exciting turn of events and whatnot. im drinking tea and zynning my ass off right now, im trying to collect all my thoughts. im meeting her sometime this month or the first week of april, it really just depends on ticket prices. its been like a mountain with everything going on, or like i go 2 steps forward 3 steps back. but by the will of god i swear that things have been continuing. car title stuff got figured out, well i still need to go to the dmv to get it all sorted which is why im staying here just for a bit longer. its also a bit unfortunate that i can really only book tickets on sunday to tuesday. anyways, i met gfs mom yesterday, err, 2 days ago for dinner and its been really nice talking to her. shes nice, a bit more approachable than her dad. she gave me some presents which was very nice of her, hell the tea im drinking right now was from her. its good. passport came in, probably going to renew my other passport, i need to surrender my previous citizenship sometime, packing stuff in my room for convenience, yada yada blah blah. just stuff thats a bit too much to write all in detail in this post. im very very very grateful for the people who are letting me do this, ive said it before but it was like i was ready to move onto a new chapter of my life though things werent moving. now things are moving and im in sort of a rush to get things done or balance whatever. im seeing my gf soon!!! ill update again soon when im more focused actually.

0250, we are so back!!! gave up, talked about it, friends and family supporting my endeavors, seeing my gf as soon as my passport gets here. before that, i need to finish some things like business. things are looking good, its gf birthday eve. i actually have something planned out with a friend of hers but i dont think shes particularly in the mood to talk about it or think too hard about it. shes tired, i wish i could do more for her esp on her bday, but thats really why im talking some things thru with a mutual friend. i hope everything goes well.

0629, good morning. i spent the past day sleeping and doing work. its a little pointless. i decided on spending the night out with some of the few people i know around my area. nothing really happened for the most part. the usual warrants out for arrests and coke talk. the topic of relationships came up as per usual, it went well though in hindsight i wish i couldve held up the same mentality talking about myself as i am now. my nose bled again and my head still hurts. i met a guys cousin as well, he wasnt the brightest to be honest. he reminded me of another friend where gf is, they would probably get along. i checked on my gf here and there, looks like things went well. im happy for her. i still cant say much about what ill do regarding the future but just seeing how things are going, maybe my jobs done. i wouldnt mind if she turned off the location tracking she brought up. of course i check on it by just general concern for her wellbeing but what does it matter. shes responsible enough to do things on her own. she met some people today, the stuff that id probably do. good. if i died today then she'd be okay with it, she could go on in life. things are looking up for her. i cant help but feel like ive tried to give the best of me which happens to be going the way i wanted to. i cant be bothered to want anything from her in return. she doesnt need to get involved with stuff that are issues of my own. ill go back to what i normally do. everything feels forced. ive just been realizing more and more about how little value i bring. i think im just destined to be like this or live life without any long standing ties. she said something about leaving no trace and i think if i did there would be no issue, its not very concerning to her, gladly even, which im happy about. this is all okay. ive brought this upon myself. its supposed to be this way, i havent done anything. i cant lie and say that im disheartened at myself but im a little convinced that theres nothing more to anything. it looks like my jobs done. im tired of trying. im tired of uncertainties. i cant even get results when i try and balance things out. i tell people things that sound applicable in ways that they probably dont even consider. im a fraud. why did i even bother writing all of this, i cant even sleep. itll all be gone soon, everything, anyways.